My Little Wife
by Little Fuji
Summary: [RoyEd] Roy Mustang is not gay. X3 Involves Roy, Ed, and condoms... Do be kind, it's my first FMA story! Somewhat crackish and out of character.. and perhaps very random. You have been warned! [Read it anyway. XD]


Hey again everyone! I know I haven't squished out any story in perhaps half a year, but well… here's a little something for you all… I hope you'll appreciate it! XD If you do, don't forget to review, it goes a long way…

Disclaimer: The usual. X3 Fuji-chan does not own Ed nor Roy… property of our lovely Arakawa Hiroaki, I think. :glomps: Thanks for making life bearable for us all!

Note: Rather out of character, I know. But it's my first, so please help by leaving a review! XD

_My Little Wife_

_by tennis-tensai_

Roy had faintly wondered if he was finally crumbling under his pile of work when the thought had crossed his mind that day. He, Roy Mustang, who became Colonel at only the age of 29, who hits on girls more than he snaps his fingers, can't possibly be _gay_… But there was no other better explanation for the thoughts that was running in his head that very moment, when Edward Elric was bending down to take the pen Roy had dropped very much on purpose.

"Your pen, Colonel." Ed muttered, half to himself.

"Thank you. Oh, one more thing, Fullmetal-" Roy continued, smirking as Ed turned to leave, "Nice ass."

Ed faltered for a moment, blinking, wondering whether he'd heard right. As the weight of what Roy said sank on him, Ed made a speedy exit, slamming the door so hard that Black Hayate, which was near, barked.

xOx

Roy slammed down the phone receiver as hard as Ed had slammed the door. A vein popped out on his forehead.

"Don't you just wish you could _burn _Hughes into cinder over the phone! The rubbish he keeps on saying about getting a wife…" Roy ground out, messing up his already-messy hair as he said so.

"Please use the phone quietly, Colonel." Riza said simply, sipping her coffee and ignoring Roy's remarks.

"Riza? Must wives be female?"

Riza choked on her coffee, casting a wary glance at Roy. His face was dead serious. She didn't know whether to laugh or not.

"Err… pardon me, Colonel, I don't think I heard you right…" Riza barely resisted the urge to burst out 'You're GAY!' in Roy's face.

"Yes, you heard right." Roy said impatiently. "So, what's the answer?"

"Well… yes, I suppose so… Please excuse me, I have unfinished work to tend to…" Riza strode out of the office, spilling the contents of the helpless cup of coffee everywhere.

Behind the keyhole, Fury smiled evilly, eyes glinting.

xOx

Roy raised an eyebrow. His subordinates were whispering and nudging each other whenever he came near them, which means…

Something. Was. Seriously. Wrong. And. It. Involves. Him.

"Lieutenant Havoc, please explain about these whispering that you've been doing all morning." Roy ordered. Havoc shifted uneasily.

"Err…"

"Tell me, before I ask Grace out-"

"Fine, fine!" Havoc raised his hands in defeat. "There's this rumour about you – having odd preferences on your partner's gender…" Havoc and Fury, who was nearby, inched away from a Roy suddenly engulfed in flames. The now unstoppable Roy grabbed Havoc's collar and started to shake him.

"Does Fullme- I mean, anyone else know about this gossip? And who dares to pass this incredulous _lie_ around! Was it you? Or was someone… eavesdropping… on my door…" Open-mouthed, Roy dropped the unconscious Havoc onto the floor and glanced around, looking for another victim. The room was empty.

xOx

"I say, Fullmetal… I don't think you should go into the office currently… Colonel is rather hyper currently…" Fury mumbled to a confused Ed, both standing outside the state alchemist building.

"Huh? What happened?"

"Erm… a word spread that the Colonel was… gay… hey, Ed, what's in that?" Fury changed the topic, eyeing the bag that Ed was holding. Ed grinned mischievously. "Secret… see you around!" Ed called out as he sprinted up to the Flame Alchemist's office.

xOx

Roy tried to shake off a nagging thought that bugged him, but failed; as usual. Instead, the thought attacked him even more.

_What if Fullmetal was –gay- too?_

_Shut up and go away, damn it…_

_What if he wants to be your wife?_

_ENOUGH! GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!_

Roy shouted the last line out loud as Ed burst into the office, panting. The chibi alchemist dumped the bag he was holding onto Roy's desk.

"Here. For you – us, I mean…" Ed said offhandedly, not meeting Roy's eyes. Roy poked the bag; it seemed to contain-

"… These are not condoms, right?" Roy said uncertainly.

"Your secret's out, Colonel…" Ed chuckled almost devilishly.

Roy stared. And stared. And fainted.

**-OWARI-**

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